The Douchebag Bench

I wrote about the douchebag bench on Facebook, but there’s a bit of an exodus on, isn’t there? Zuck’s jumped the shark and the rats are jumping ship, and since the real bench is gone, well…consider this an obituary.

The douchebag bench stood just down the seawall from Leg-In-Boot Square, looking out on the water. It was a regular bench, except someone had carved “NO DOUCHEBAGS” into the backrest, with horns on the O. Over the years, passers-by had added their own contributions, till the list read as such:

no bro’s
No hoteps
absolutely NO Gary F. (here, a squiggly arrow led to CHEATERS)
No millennials OR OLD FARTS
no you or you or you but you’re ok
No undefined
No ass drag dog STAY ON THE GROUND!!! No.

But on May 18, 2018, the City of Vancouver had the final say: no graffiti.


Another graffito I miss—up on East 10th, near that two-for-one donair joint, there was a broken garage door. On that door, it said DINNAE FORGET TAE EAT YIR MUSHY PEAS. I’d walk by that, and I’d hear it in Mother’s voice, a cosy reminder of home…. Not that she ever served mushy peas, or said anything as common as “dinnae.” But, y’know.


Another time, in that same neighbourhood, someone sprayed REPENT, SINNER all up and down the block, on fences and dustbins and wherever it would fit. They got my door too, but someone cleaned it off. I was disappointed. I liked having a brimstone door.

About a year after that, I found a REPENT, SINNER banner on Richards Street. I took it home in memoriam.

Graffiti should be allowed, I think, as long as it’s not swastikas. I fancy a decorated world.