Today, I realised my vision had deteriorated to the point where I couldn’t tell whether someone was giving Trump the thumbs-up or flipping him the bird. He was doing it by emoji, and no matter how I pressed my nose to the screen, the details wouldn’t resolve.

Sadly, the rest of his posts offered no clarification. He was angry about something, but I couldn’t make out what, not because I couldn’t see it but because his target was unclear. Sometimes, he ranted about politics, but just politics, like the system. If he called anyone out, or any specific policy, I couldn’t identify it.. Other times, it was gamers or action figures, or people who go on wiki sites and do…something annoying?

I won’t post his tweets. I only do that to public figures, and rarely even to them. But let me try—let me illustrate. I’ll do one up and you’ll see. The formula was like [brand name], [vague opinion], [Donald Trump], [???????]. It went something like this:

LOL Denny’s, you think you’re all that, you think you care and we will all follow your path, but what do you know about poverty? Trump [thumbs up/finger]. Why don’t you all just grow up and buy your own chicken fingers?

I mean, at first you might think he’s a leftist. He’s railing against corporations that use social causes to boost their image, like when it’s Pride month and everything goes rainbow. But then he thumbs-ups or fingers Trump, which he does in every tweet. That feels like overkill. And what’s all that bit about chicken fingers? Is that bootstraps talk? We should all get off welfare and buy snacks? Except, if you’re on welfare, you’re already eating chicken fingers. They cost next to nothing—not the good ones, I mean. Those are ten bucks a plate, real meat, real breadcrumbs, not ground down and missing their texture. But the cheap ones, those are four dollars. You get six instead of three. It’d be a bargain if they didn’t taste like glue.

That wasn’t a real tweet. That was one I made up. I already said that, but I’m saying it again. They were all like that, though, stream-of-consciousness screeds, and that amorphous hand sign.

I wouldn’t have followed him if I’d understood him. He seemed awfully mad, and not in a helpful way. But I wanted to know what had him so angry. I feel stupid not knowing. I gave up after six tweets. My brain was all borked, and my eyes were going square.

I hate when they lump us all together and then they hate us without asking a single question. TRUDEAU [shocked face/goatse]. When are they going to build a bridge?

…it’s a little addictive, tweeting that way.

(I won’t actually tweet that. People would unfollow me.)

Star Wars is wrong because the fans! Nobody was right! You blah on and on about Yoda on Dagobah, but where does the merchandise fit in? Because that’s the true soul of Star Trek. BORIS JOHNSON! [eggplant/jellybean]

Not that one. I think that one made too much sense.

I think the novelty’s worn off.

Maybe it’s me. Maybe language has evolved to such an extent I can’t understand young people. Have I got to that age? Am I seeing nonsense where I should be seeing shorthand?

…I’m making an eye appointment.