I keep notes on my editors’ stylistic preferences, mostly to oil the wheels…but in the case of one editor, I’ve amassed quite the list of grievances. Spot the dick!

MR. GROUSEFOOT

• Disliked words and phrases: squish, moist, lemon-suck face, grody, belch;
• Adds lots of em-dashes;
• Prefers longer sentences, particularly in dialogue;
• Great at spotting Britishisms I don’t recognise as such.

MISS ALBA

• Disliked words and phrases: any fake sound-effect words (runch, beeble, skreek);
• Adds adverbs to dialogue tags; prefers tags other than “said”;
• WRITE-INS NEVER MATCH HOUSE STYLE! DO NOT ACCEPT WITHOUT READING!
• Hates colons in any context;
• Puts suggestions at the end of each chapter, not in the margin notes.

MR. BOOSE

• Disliked words and phrases: slit, startled, flipping the bird, brows (always use “eyebrows”), wintry (doesn’t consider it a word), panties, underpants, knickers, Y-fronts, briefs;
• NEVER use any variant of “there is/was,” “it is/was,” etc. Will C&P lengthy margin note on passive description…even for one instance in a 90,000-word manuscript;
• Expects replies to all margin notes;
• Creeped out by doo-wop; will ruin favourite songs with notes on why they’re creepy;
• Adds commas before references to time (“He thought it’d be fine, this time.”);
• Notes can be vague; offended by requests for clarification;
• Unwilling to discuss manuscripts in progress; prefers to correct errors than prevent them;
• Narrow idea of what’s plausible. When pitching concepts, avoid references to anyone doing anything that might be considered extraordinary;
• Leaps on ANY pretext to quote “The Bestseller Code.” FUCK OFF!
• Knows a lot about child psychology.

MR. WALLEYE

• Disliked words and phrases: inasmuch;
• Dislikes “fetishistic” descriptions of food and eating;
• Loves anything music-related;
• Prefers short sentences and strong verbs.

MISS BROWN

• Disliked words and phrases: courtyard, eavestroughs, America (call it the USA);
• Good at spotting sneaky racist shit*;
• Prefers American English, even in pitches/outlines;
• Likes ambitious plot ideas;
• Fun to talk to.

* Which I didn’t know was racist. Obviously I wouldn’t, on purpose, you know…

PS – These aren’t my complete lists. I removed or modified anything that might identify these people to their employers or co-workers (though, besides Mr. Boose, I’d recommend all of them).