Today, I watched a crow go through someone’s lunch bag, steal his sandwich, and pick it to bits. It threw away the lettuce and gobbled the tomato, but the meat was another matter. It tried a bite and wasn’t satisfied, and wiped it on the grass. It still wasn’t happy, so it kept wiping, then pecking, then wiping some more, till at long last, it gulped down its snack.

There was probably margarine involved, or maybe mayonnaise. I’d wipe that off too, especially the mayo. But I’ve never seen a bird wipe its food. I didn’t think they cared what they ate. I didn’t think they had tastebuds.

I have a whole list of food rules, especially related to encroachment, y’know, one food mixing with another. I mean, I’ll still eat my food if the rules aren’t adhered to, but I’d prefer my plate be organised as follows:

1. Food should be arranged clockwise, hottest to coldest, with the hottest food at the top of the plate.
2. Hot food should never touch cold food. It’s fine if my pork chop touches my potatoes, but it shouldn’t touch my salad, and it especially shouldn’t touch that little pat of applesauce that’s been in the fridge.
3. Sweet foods should never touch savoury foods (unless there’s a sweet-and-sour sauce situation going on).
4. Salad dressing should be on the salad, and properly mixed in—no blobs. All other dips, sauces, and garnishes should be on the side.
5. Lookalike foods are mean. Don’t serve them. Don’t give me okra that’s really jalapeño peppers. I’ll try to eat around them and get heartburn for days.
6. Warm grape juice is confusing. Is it grape juice? Is it wine? Do I want it? I don’t know. Just chill it, yeah?
7. Don’t hide dairy in things. I can’t eat that.

Anyway, those are my food rules. I think they’re pretty reasonable. I won’t wipe my pork chop on your carpet if you put applesauce on it, but I’d rather you didn’t. In fact, just the applesauce would be good. I’m not big on pork. So, the applesauce, the potatoes, the salad, and do you have any grapes back there? I could go for some grapes.

…who am I talking to?

I should get myself some dinner.