Aquarius – You’ll get the news soon, the news you’ve been hoping for. Congratulations. You’ve made it. Everything awaits.

You’re about to have the best day of your life.

Pisces – Everyone knows.

Aries – That little voice isn’t your conscience.

Taurus – Your ex still has those e-mails. You have a choice: pursue your dreams, become a household name, and see your shame brought to light, or give up and let it stay buried. Which will it be?

Gemini – Next time you tell yourself everything happens for a reason, look in the mirror. You’ll find your reason there. (It’s you. You’re rubbish. Why do you bother?)

Cancer – Remember in middle school, when you had to stop reading those Agatha Christies because murder seemed so easy, something that happened at the drop of a hat? Remember how silly the motives were, some trifling inheritance, some petty scandal, never anything worth a life?

Your life is worth an old bike.

Leo – It’ll always be like this. Just, always.

Virgo – It’s not science fiction. They can walk through walls.

Libra – One day, a frog will jump out of your toilet. They can, you know, frogs and rats, even snakes. They squiggle up the outflow and pop out the bowl, all kinds of varmits and pests. You’ll be sat on the throne when it happens, mostly asleep with your eyes at half-mast, and slap—that’s a frog up your arse.

Scorpio – They don’t believe you.

Sagittarius – You want a horrorscope? Read the rest of the paper.

Capricorn – Monday brings fresh challenges. Tuesday promises more of the same. Beware of men bearing good news: if it sounds too good to be true, trust your instincts. It is. Now, kill Mrs. Caldwell. Rip her spine out her front. She’s a great bag of cunts. You’ll be doing the world a favour, so spray her brains on that lawn where the white daisies are. Go on, make ’em pink-tipped. You know you want to. Remember, the weekend’s for relaxation, so make time to treat yourself.

Ophiuchus – Seriously? I told you already, you’re not a real sign. You don’t get a horrorscope. Sod off with you.