My Five Worst Substitute Teachers from Primary School

#5 – Mrs. Stortz

Mrs. Stortz wasn’t that bad. She was a smart lady who came prepared. Some subs bring videos and don’t teach at all. Mrs. Stortz brought books, lesson plans, and the occasional tray of snacks. But she had one other item in her arsenal, an item which secures her place on this list:

Her magic harmonica. It was this tiny gold thing she wore around her neck, and she could play it like a real harmonica, and she did. Oh, boy, did she ever, whenever we got loud, whenever she wanted attention, and sometimes just for fun.

It’s like, we’re not dogs. Lose the whistle.

Booooooooooo, Mrs. Stortz.

#4 – Mr. Thing

I can’t remember his name, but he was rubbish. He’d come in all shabby and reeking of pipe smoke, plump himself down, and tell us to read something. Five minutes in, he’d be snoring. That wasn’t so bad, in itself, but he had night terrors. One time, about three minutes before the bell, he—well, let me set the scene. I had a good book that day, Fantastic Voyage. I was right at the part where the white blood cell attacks, totally absorbed, and three things happened at once:

  1. Something hit me in the back of the head.
  2. Something crashed to the floor just behind me.
  3. Someone screamed.

It was Mr. Thing. Mr Thing fucking screamed, and he flipped his desk, and his pencil jar bounced off my head.

I was nine years old, and I nearly had a heart attack. Up yours, Mr. Thing.

Also, this other time, he did a massive fart in his sleep. It went on forever, like prrrrrrrrrrrrrrt-bthv-bthv-bthv-bthv-sssssssssssssbbbhtbpppppt, and our laughter woke him up. He kept us all in at lunch for being loud. So, yeah. Fuck him twice.

#3 – Mr. Matthews

Mr. Matthews was an excellent teacher, and probably doesn’t belong on this list. But the first day he subbed for us, he dressed all in blue. That’s important to know, because the same day that happened, someone boaked in the hall. I saw Mr. Matthews in blue, looking like a janitor, and asked him to clean up the mess. He got offended and tried to make me do it. He grabbed me by the arm and dragged me towards the sick. My screams attracted the headmaster, who made us apologise to each other. We got along fine after that, but he made me look at vomit.

Bite me, Mr. Matthews.

#2 – Mr. Wynd

Mr. Wynd never picked a girl if a boy had his hand up. That is all.

#1 – Mrs. Lynch

Mrs. Lynch made fake phone calls.

Remember those, ah…those Fisher Price phone toys, with the wheels and the eyes and the loud brringy bells? Hang on. Let me find one. One of these jobbies:

She’d bring one to class and call imaginary people, like “hello, Mr. Myles? Your daughter’s quite the noisy boots! Isn’t she a noisy boots? What’s that? You’d have her simmer down? Miss Myles, simmer down.”

That’s not why I hated her, though. I hated her because if you didn’t simmer down, she’d hit you with a ruler. She’d do it in front of everyone, like a public execution. There you’d be, palms-up, praying you wouldn’t flinch or cry, and crack. Fucking ruler.

I also hated her because she’d wait out front at the end of the day, and she’d waylay your mum and tell her you’d been bad, so not only you’d get the ruler, but whatever your parents dished out.

Mrs. Lynch was the worst. Balls to Mrs. Lynch. I hope she stayed a substitute forever, and never got her own class.