The Forgottle

Somebody left garbage on the grassy verge today. I busted out my garbage camera, which I use for garbage pictures, and here. Here. It’s garbage.

Fruit punch, unopened. Why would a person leave that? You’d think they’d want to drink it, a hot day like today. The funny thing is, I spent most of the day staring out the window, and I didn’t see whodunnit. I’m like the Lady of Shalott up here, except instead of a mirror, I’ve got a great picture window, and instead of knights, I’m peeping on litter louts, or the evidence of their passage.

Y’know, this would make a great premise for one of those slightly underwhelming mystery novels I was talking about: THE CASE OF THE BOTTLE OF BRIGHT RED LIQUID, PROBABLY FRUIT PUNCH, FORGOTTEN ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD NEAR THE INTERSECTION OF KINGSWAY AND GLADSTONE—or, for brevity’s sake, THE FORGOTTLE.

I found the Forgottle on a Thursday. It was afternoon going on night, the sidewalk splashed red with sunset. I was fresh from the 12 Kings, walking off a plate of jerk wings, and that bright cherry glint caught my eye….

Oh, no. No, no, no. Too hard-boiled by half. We need someone less world-weary, more Postman Pat than Dirty Harry.

On a wide, bright street in a proud green city, nestled in the skirts of the great Rocky Mountains, there lived a long-nosed inspector. He had a big black dog and a wide white grin, and he kept old breadcrusts in his pockets. He loved to feed the birds, and his name was Edgar Bight (not Bite, if you hear the difference. Bight. Bite. Bight.)

Faugh. That one sounds like a Nazi. I can’t put my finger on it, but there’s something alt-right going on there. Booooo, Inspector Bight.

I knew something was up with that bottle. I walked by it three times: on patrol, then at lunch, and at last on my way to the Orpington robbery, and if I’d stopped even once—

There’s no sensible way to finish that sentence.

Somebody forgot a bottle of something red.

13 thoughts on “The Forgottle

  1. “He stared at the bottle. It stood on the withered grass, appetisingly translucent, like a slice of pink grapefruit. Was it really filled with fruit punch? Of course, someone could leave anything like that, for the first unsuspecting passerby to drink and probably kick the bucket right afterwards… Hell, kick several buckets probably…

    And yet.

    The vibrant red colour of the liquid within reminded him of video-game health potions. It could be sulfuric acid for all he knew. But something held him rooted to the spot. A bottle of poison couldn’t, wouldn’t look so cheerful, basking in the rays of the morning sun.

    He slowly stretched his hand and picked it up. The smooth plastic cool under his dry fingers. With a quiet “pop!” he pulled the sports cap open and took the first cautious swig…”

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    1. And now, you’ve got me fancying grapefruit.

      Really, it looked untouched. Looking at the bottle through my long lens, the cap still seemed intact. Not that I’d drink it, but…I don’t know. It COULD be safe. Though, maybe not. Who knows how long it had been sitting out in the sun. (Does fruit punch go bad? I’d presume it does, eventually.)

      You know, I found this blog a while ago, where the author frequently eats garbage, like actual garbage, out of dustbins. He seems all right.

      Still. I wouldn’t chance it.

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      1. Can you actually get any? For us, grapefruit season starts only in a month or so.

        Speaking of trying new and unknown things… Bought a (yellow) dragonfruit this morning since the last one I had was years ago. The verdict is that it tastes kinda like a milder kiwi, without the tartness. Very edible (and convenient, slice in half, eat with a spoon).

        Also tried adding vinegar into a dish for the first time in ages. Subsequently added too much, added a bunch of other stuff like garlic and tomato sauce… Realised only halfway through eating it that I’ve committed a culinary crime and the vinegar overpowers everything. Now feeling bloated and on the verge of a stomach ache. Still better than eating garbage, probably*.

        *I’m willing to bet that guy has an ironclad immune system by now, but still not a good idea

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        1. Here, we can get grapefruit year round, though they’re tastier in the winter, as that’s when the proper growing season is. I’m not sure where summer citrus comes from, but it isn’t as nice. Less juicy, sort of thing.

          I want to try a yellow dragonfruit now. I had no idea they even came in yellow, till you mentioned it. I’ll bet the market downstairs would have them, if anywhere does. They have all sorts of fruit. One day, I’ll go down and find out…maybe.

          Your vinegar dinner sounds horrible. You know, you don’t HAVE to eat something just because you’ve prepared it. Hey, if you put it in the bin, maybe somebody else would eat it. Ha, perhaps best you DID eat it, then. You wouldn’t want to inflict that on some hapless, hmm, freegan? Is that the word for people who eat out of bins? I’d swear I’ve heard that somewhere.

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          1. Did bin the last remaining quarter of it. It wasn’t that horrible in small portions, but the taste of vinegar got increasingly overwhelming with each new bite. Freegan IS the word, although I think that it refers specifically to people who collect food thrown away by supermarkets for being “overdue” and that’s usually still perfectly fine to eat. And they do have a point, we throw out a LOT of food.

            That particular grocery store where I bought the dragonfruit usually has a really naff fruit and vegetable section. Like, tiny half shrivelled lemons, bananas that verge on the mushy, and awful selection in general… But this time, they had dragonfruit (in good condition too). Usually the fanciest they get is a tiny overpriced package of asparagus.

            It’s the same place with the ominous pigeon(s). I usually go there because it’s 5 minutes away and I’m lazy. There are way better grocery stores in that regard, but they’re all way down the mountain.

            Oh, and this time they had prickly pears. Probably should get them next trip.

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            1. Yeah. The place I shop at gives discounts on ugly produce, like misshapen beets and what have you, but you can’t get that online. You have to go in for the discount. Annoying, that. I’d totally eat the rude vegetables for half off!

              That’s one good thing about Vancouver: no food deserts here. You can get food pretty much anywhere, most of it pretty good quality. I’ve heard of places where you can pretty much only get canned goods and dried food, but there’s nothing like that around here. Even gas stations have little tubs of fresh fruit salad, though I’m not sure I’d buy that at a gas station.

              Definitely get the prickly pears. And maybe an arsehole lemon or two (haaaaaaaa).

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      1. That’s a good point – so maybe you’d be safe. Mind you it could be that it’s bottle that’s actually red or that the owner had eaten a lot of Beetroot…

        But with the Chemicals stuffed into these drinks days who knows?! 😀

        Perhaps if it’s left in the sun long enough, it’ll explode and take out the ladder.

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        1. Wouldn’t that have been nice? But someone cleared it away in the night. No detonating forgottles. Not this time. The ladder stands solid as ever (which is probably a good thing, as it’s perfectly positioned to make a dent in my building).

          Liked by 1 person

          1. That’s probably for the best – God only know what was in it – better a cleared away forgottle in the night than a fresh body on the grass in the morning. Perhaps they’ve taken it away for toxicology…

            either that or Dollorama have stuck a new label on it and put it back on the shelf.

            You know I’ve wondered about that. That ladder is bloody huge and must weigh a few tons. The engineer in me wonders how big the footings must be to stop it falling over, or maybe there’s another ladder the same length that descends into the depths of the earth.

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            1. I know, eh? I’ve wondered that myself. I wish I’d been here to see it go in, so I could know just how much of it is buried in concrete. I’m guessing a LOT, as the base is quite narrow.

              They put it up a couple of weeks before the city granted residency permits for my building, which had also just gone up, so I wasn’t around to watch. I didn’t even know it was going to be there till right before I moved in. Not the best housewarming gift….

              Liked by 1 person

              1. No I can imagine not, it’s an eyesore (I’d actually find it a bit creepy). Yes you could have found a lot worse thing when you moved in – but that’s pretty far out there.

                I’m guessing it goes down pretty deeply – it’d have to. Actually as much as it’s annoying, I imagine it would have been pretty interesting watching them install it.

                Perhaps you need to think about it in a more positive way you know. Maybe imagine its a guardian watching over you… nah!

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