It Was Definitely Aliens

Ever notice how phone cameras make you all nose? In real life, you’re human; on camera you’re a rat begging for treats.

This is me in the hallway, all nose.

On a scale of one to heeeeeeeeeeeere’s Johnny, how creepy are those specs?

A funny thing happened the other day. I forgot to mention it because that was the same day I got trapped in the lobby, but here it is: somebody butt-dialled my entire building. They switched on the intercom and broadcast a dull little conversation to all four hundred and four units.

(It’s funny there are four hundred and four units. Like a 404 error. Not found.)

Anyway, I made a transcript, and this is what I heard:

“—you go, then you go, then at the bottom. At the bottom. No, all the way….”

[distant, creepy laughter, like yaha-aaaaaaa]

“It’s easy, but you, no. No, you’re—” [static]

[shuffling sounds. A cell-phone ping. A deathwatch beetle clicking its mandibles (?); more static.]

“Well, it looks really technical, but once you, uh, it’s really just the one argument repeated, and you do it again. You do it again. And you can’t leave off the [something] at the end of the line. That’s the easiest mistake. I used to, uh—“

[More laughter. A pokkity rattling sound, like an empty plastic bottle falling on the floor. Static, indistinct muttering, maybe someone typing. I don’t know.]

“I think you just get used to it. You get used to it. You do.”

[Brief silence, ghostly lamentations (???), a burst of static. End transmission.]

…so I was thinking, wouldn’t it be heinous if aliens reached out—like, sentient ones, ones we’d want to talk to—but they butt-dialled our solar system, and we got something like that? Oh, and if we spent years decoding their message, and it went like “I did pick up the doughnuts. No, I did. Yes, I’m sure. Yes, I remember you telling me, and that’s why I did it. Check the fridge, why don’t you? Check the—you know what? I’m busy. I’m doing stuff. If the doughnuts are gone—if they’re…I don’t know what to tell you. I think there’s tuna left over. Don’t put it in the microwave. [alien profanity]”

We’ve probably done it ourselves, by now, sent something foolish into space. Didn’t we send a Hitler speech? I seem to remember a Hitler speech winging its way across the galaxy. And there’s probably some nerdlinger beaming his D&D podcast who knows where…and maybe some distant dweeb following along, wishing he could join…. (But he’s six million years in the future. There’s nobody left on Earth.)

If you’re an alien reading this, and I’m long-dead, do you know a way to bring me back? Is that…can you reconstitute a consciousness long-scattered? Will it be me, or just a copy? If you can revive me, not a clone, not a copy, I’d like to meet you. I’d like to see the future and find out what became of us. Just, please don’t make me your pet. I don’t want to be a pet.

[End transmission.]

2 thoughts on “It Was Definitely Aliens

  1. Is that Rat 1 and Rat 2? (Or was is Rat A and Rat B)… Which was the one that kept falling in the waste paper bin?

    Those glasses aren’t creepy – They really suit you. You like you should part of MIB – That’d keep the Aliens at bay!

    Why on earth did we send Hitler into Space? Surely there must have been someone more suitable…

    I’d love to see a few hundred, or even a few thousand years into the future – I want to know which bit of sci-fi was right!


    1. Yeah, Rats A and B. Rat B was the one that kept falling in the dustbin. I think she was blind. She had ruby eyes, and rats with red or ruby eyes are often nearsighted or blind.

      I have no idea why we sent Hitler into space. I’d imagine Hitler himself must’ve done it, because really, who else would? If I were really in MiB, I’d go into space and put something there to block Hitler’s radio waves, so he couldn’t make it beyond known space. Yeah. In YOUR face, Hitler.

      Liked by 1 person

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