From the Department of Unfortunate Encounters

Hypothesis: in social situations, especially those of an intimate nature, one factor distinguishes a bonding moment from an unsettling one. That factor is familiarity.

SCENARIO A: I’ve known Dave six months. One night, we fuck. He’s gone when I wake up. He informs me he’s stolen something, but I’m damned if I see what. Around lunch, I get a video message. It’s Dave in my knickers, shaking that arse. Twerking, I think it’s called. I laugh. It’s funny. They were cheap knickers, anyway.

SCENARIO B: I’ve known Katya one night. She’s not gone when I wake up. I never said she could stay. I fell asleep and here we are; guess this one’s on me. I wait for her to leave, then I get in the shower. When I’m done, I have a message. There’s an audio file attached. It’s eerie, sort of haunting, like a ghost crooning in a rain barrel. I’m confused, then I’m not, then I’m horrified. That’s my shampooing song*. That’s me in the shower, doing my morning chant-and-lather. Katya’s gone out, come back in, infiltrated my bathroom, and…recorded me washing my hair. Was there video? Did she keep that? How did I not see?

I don’t laugh. It’s not funny. I unmatch Katya and block her number, but she still knows where I live.

Conclusion: invade my pants, not my privacy.

Proper Conclusion: you can mess with your friends. Messing with strangers takes finesse.

Other Conclusion: this is why I’ve not had sex in months (also, the plague).


I have one other thing to say, which is that the planter on my balcony has weeds again. Well, one weed. A dandelion, I think, though it hasn’t flowered. I took a photo as proof, and one of the garbage in my hall. I thought they matched thematically, both being…unasked-for.

* Vitti ‘na Crozza. I sing five verses of Vitti ‘na Crozza while I wash my hair.

11 thoughts on “From the Department of Unfortunate Encounters

  1. Scenario A… Funny, but Dave must have been sure he had a decent arse – imagine twerking some one with a flabby one…

    Scenario B… Creepy doesn’t cover it – bunny boiler maybe. Mind you, I don’t think I could have slept with anyone I didn’t know in my house anyway, it would creep me out – you must be more trusting than most!

    I’d argue that if someone had invaded your pants they’d have invaded your privacy too – pants,are pretty private… Unless you’re superman.


    1. Yeah, Dave has a legendary bottom. He kind of rocked my knickers. (But he also looked epically foolish, so my reaction was 100% amusement.) Fortunately, I never saw or heard from Katya again.

      I wouldn’t normally sleep with a stranger in my home. I fell asleep entirely by accident, and she didn’t have the grace to piss off. I thought I was being cautious, only inviting women over, but it turns out we’re just as creepy as men.

      Liked by 1 person

        1. That’s true. When I really think about it, just about anyone can be a problem if they want to be.

          I’m never having sex again. (Not at home, anyway!)

          Liked by 1 person

                1. Yeah. Or, y’know, I could hook up with someone I already know. But it isn’t a priority at the moment. Definitely not worth risking coronavirus over.

                  Liked by 1 person

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