From the Department of Ivory Tower Nihilism

You know who always gave me paedo vibes? Teachers who did corporal punishment. Like it was too big a risk to cop a feel in the dark, but in front of the class with the sun streaming in, two tiny hands out in supplication…they say it’s about power, sex—not all sex, but the kind you don’t want. Whacking you with a ruler, your fear, your embarrassment, I could see paedos liking that. Savouring the idea you’d get an extra lick when your parents saw the marks. Touching other folks’ kids, hurting them, with those folks in cahoots…paedo paradise. Jesus fuck.

My world feels small, lately, small and dark. When your eyes go, you think of things, old resentments, buried fears.

If I seem to lack compassion, awareness, maybe I do. My life is four walls and a bed. Outside’s gone hazy, like a dream I once had. I know the world’s on fire, but what that might mean, I can’t imagine. I blink when the smoke stings my eyes—when I can’t get my protein drinks; when the doctor won’t come—but then it’s gone. Not much has changed for me.

I have to go to sleep now. I have a lot of work tomorrow.

I want to hold onto life as long as I can.

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