Horoscopes for Birds – September 4, 2021

Aries – You sit on an anthill and no ants come out. Your worm dance attracts only photographers. You squawk and you squawk, and no one squawks back. Today’s not your day. No, it’s not. No, it’s not. Find a nice place to sit and wait for tomorrow.

Taurus – Remember last winter, when you nearly starved? When you were so hungry you ate a twist tie? Then that guy came along with that bag of Doritos—you remember him, right? How he held up a chip, like “come get it, birdie,” then he ate it himself, then he ate the whole bag? Well, that guy’s at a protest on Granville and Ninth. Bombs away, birdie! Bombs the fuck away!

Gemini – Weren’t you supposed to be somewhere? Like, somewhere not here? Somewhere in the south, with that sugarcane breeze? That’s right, go on. All your friends left last week.

Cancer – High winds blow seeds, but they also blow bags. Don’t get stuck in a bag. It’ll spoil your whole day.

Leo – Wiser birds might mock you for serenading your own reflection…but what other audience sings along without fail? What other audience stays till the last note and never gets bored? Your reflection won’t squawk over you or show you its tail. Your reflection won’t leave you for a fat, juicy worm. Sing to yourself today. You know you want to.

Virgo – The word you’re looking for is “help.” Those kids in the park think you’re dancing for treats. They can’t see you’re infested, and itching like mad. Tell them “help,” just like that, and maybe they will.

Libra – You think you’re so clever, don’t you, staking out the lone tree at the top of that hill? Demanding tribute from flockmates in need of a perch? Well, you’re not. You’re the worst. You’ve just invented rent, and your tree kind of sucks. You’re slumlords. You’re crap. Go away. Squawk! Squawk! Squawk!

Scorpio – There’s a new birdbath, untouched, in the park by the rails. Go play! Go, go, go! This is your day!

Sagittarius – Migration season brings visitors who don’t speak your language. But it’s okay. Don’t scream at them. They’re not talking about you.

Capricorn – The world holds wonders beyond birdly ken. Don’t limit yourself to the same baths and feeders, the same telephone wires, the same rooftop perches that’ve served you all your life. Adventure awaits…or, you know, maybe not. But a change can be fun, so go on. Take a chance.

Aquarius – Peep. Peep-peep-peep. PEEP! Peepity-phoo.

Pisces – It’s those who come after you who’ll decide how you’re remembered. Sing your songs for today, not for a future you won’t see.

Ophiuchus – You are not a real zodiac sign. You do not get a horoscope. Bawk-bawk.

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