This is how tired I am:

6 AM – Put on two pairs of underpants, not in an Alzheimer’s way, but fumbling in the dark, and I was so tired and lazy I doubled up all day.

8:30 AM – Drank a gulp of olive oil and drizzled a liquid iron supplement on my bread.

9:42 AM – Wrote the following nonsense paragraph: He went to the window. The sky was all that nicotine way, where it’s sort of a yallery-broon and you wonder if a tornado’s coming. Sarah came up behind him and put her hand on his shoulder. “Not the best weather,” she said, and she slipped her hand down his shorts. His cock lay like an eel, flaccid and cool to the touch. She tugged at the foreskin till he hissed.

10:10 AM – It’s hard to write about sex when you’re sneezing. There’s nothing less horny than sneezing. Sat and sneezed for five minutes straight. Decided to have a shower.

10:15 AM – 1 PM – Slept in the shower.

1 PM- 5 PM – Finished work. Did it properly. Not a moray cock in sight.

5 PM – 7:59 PM – Deleted nearly three thousand spams. Someone had signed me up for every nuisance list on the planet in the night. No, I don’t want to earn money doing surveys. No, I don’t like Hugo Boss. I get the sense I’ll be unsubscribing for a while.

8 PM – 8:45 PM – Glanced at my day’s work. Found it unsatisfactory. Stared at the screen in despair, drowsing here and there.

8:47 PM – Spotted a lowball job offer on a site I don’t belong to. Bought a month’s membership just to tell the poster off. Am a dick.

8:55 PM – now – Wrote this. Yawned a bazillion times. Sneezed twice. My nose is itchy.

One minute from now – Off to bed. Fuck this day.