From the Department of Slumber Denied

This is how tired I am:

6 AM – Put on two pairs of underpants, not in an Alzheimer’s way, but fumbling in the dark, and I was so tired and lazy I doubled up all day.

8:30 AM – Drank a gulp of olive oil and drizzled a liquid iron supplement on my bread.

9:42 AM – Wrote the following nonsense paragraph: He went to the window. The sky was all that nicotine way, where it’s sort of a yallery-broon and you wonder if a tornado’s coming. Sarah came up behind him and put her hand on his shoulder. “Not the best weather,” she said, and she slipped her hand down his shorts. His cock lay like an eel, flaccid and cool to the touch. She tugged at the foreskin till he hissed.

10:10 AM – It’s hard to write about sex when you’re sneezing. There’s nothing less horny than sneezing. Sat and sneezed for five minutes straight. Decided to have a shower.

10:15 AM – 1 PM – Slept in the shower.

1 PM- 5 PM – Finished work. Did it properly. Not a moray cock in sight.

5 PM – 7:59 PM – Deleted nearly three thousand spams. Someone had signed me up for every nuisance list on the planet in the night. No, I don’t want to earn money doing surveys. No, I don’t like Hugo Boss. I get the sense I’ll be unsubscribing for a while.

8 PM – 8:45 PM – Glanced at my day’s work. Found it unsatisfactory. Stared at the screen in despair, drowsing here and there.

8:47 PM – Spotted a lowball job offer on a site I don’t belong to. Bought a month’s membership just to tell the poster off. Am a dick.

8:55 PM – now – Wrote this. Yawned a bazillion times. Sneezed twice. My nose is itchy.

One minute from now – Off to bed. Fuck this day.

7 thoughts on “From the Department of Slumber Denied

  1. “She tugged again, and after a second warning hiss he promptly turned into a swarm of bats and flew out into the bleary haze. Sarah stood at the window and stared into the distance, she shrugged.”

    That’s really what I’d imagine vampire erotic fiction to read like (also the least creepy reason for hissing at advances).

    Deleting spam for three hours is the worst.

    Bless you
    times you sneezed today.


    1. Trust me. That’s not what vampire erotica sounds like. I’ve managed to avoid writing any (vampires gross me out SO much), but it’d me more like, ah…. “She laid her hands against his cold, bare chest. He was smooth-skinned and marble-pale, and though he had no heartbeat, she could feel his power thrumming through his veins. He narrowed his preternaturally* yellow eyes, opened his mouth, and [did the part that grosses me out. Drinking blood, WTF!?]”

      * They ALWAYS use that word.


      1. “Preternaturally” is a weird enough word to describe something weird, and elegant enough to describe someone attractive. I understand why it’s the first one that jumps to mind when you write about sexy vampires.

        What I don’t understand is the whole “cold as marble” thing, because really, wouldn’t it be an instant turn off?

        Re children in romance novels, they’re probably more symbolic than real… “Future hope” kind of thing, proof that a relationship endures and is strong enough to withstand children (that IS romantic). “Crotchfruit” is such an awful word it made me visibly cringe (accompanying visual: people multiplying by branching off like cacti, small children torsoes growing around their crotch area). Thank you for the daily dose of awfulness.


        1. I think I’d avoid it just to keep from sounding like Anne Rice. Ha, ha. I know she’s popular, but I tried reading one of her books, and let’s say it wasn’t my cup of tea. Probably because I thought it was going to be horror, though. It was more of a vampire soap. Had I know that, and been in the mood for a vampire soap, perhaps I’d have been more receptive.

          I’d definitely find cold skin unappealing, but the whole DRINKING HUMAN BLOOD thing is way worse. It’s just…so warm and gross, and it has that metallic taste, and there are SO many bloodborne diseases. Yeuch.

          Sorry to make you cringe. I have the same reaction to “crotchfruit,” and it’s actually one of the less offensive terms I’ve heard bandied about by, y’know, THOSE people. “Fucktrophies” is another one. It’s like, yeah, we get it. You don’t like kids. You don’t have to be crude about it. It’s like they’re somehow offended by the existence of young human beings. Kids are annoying, but they’re not THAT annoying.


  2. 10:15 AM – 1 PM – Slept in the shower.

    Yep, done that, got woken up when the water turned ice cold because I drained the hot water tank.

    Sorry to hear that you’re not sleeping and sneezing – both suck. But on the bright side the noise is probably annoying the neighbours with the noisy baby.

    I actually thought that paragraph was quite good – I’ve read worse 😀


    1. Fortunately, my building has a MASSIVE water tank. I’ve loafed in the shower for hours, without getting frozen.

      The baby next door is usually pretty quiet, fortunately. It was just that one day it had a shit fit. Teething maybe. Whatever it was, it didn’t stop squalling all day.

      As for that paragraph, it might go OK in a regular novel, but I’ve been writing romance lately. There are NO floppy dicks in romance.

      Liked by 1 person

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