Capricorn: you probably won’t die today. If you do, can I have your pickle?

Aquarius: you should brush your teeth more.

Pisces: lol sardines

Aries: you might slip and fall today. or….

Taurus: so you know that crack in the pavement with the weed growing out of it, where you got gum on your shoe that one time? Someone just dropped a Kleenex there.

Whatever’s after Taurus, I forget: I wasn’t going to say anything, but olive’s not your colour.

Cancer: Capricorn’s better.

Leo: you will walk into a room and be like wtf, why did I come in here?

Virgo: no, you’re not paranoid. Yes, that guy was staring. And you know what? You know what? Becky is a bitch.

Libra: no. Just no.

Scorpio: look up. See that bird? Yeah, I knew that was there.

Sagittarius: you used to be cooler.

Ophiuchus: wtf no you are not a real sign. You do not get a horoscope.