Capricorn: you probably won’t die today. If you do, can I have your pickle?
Aquarius: you should brush your teeth more.
Pisces: lol sardines
Aries: you might slip and fall today. or….
Taurus: so you know that crack in the pavement with the weed growing out of it, where you got gum on your shoe that one time? Someone just dropped a Kleenex there.
Whatever’s after Taurus, I forget: I wasn’t going to say anything, but olive’s not your colour.
Cancer: Capricorn’s better.
Leo: you will walk into a room and be like wtf, why did I come in here?
Virgo: no, you’re not paranoid. Yes, that guy was staring. And you know what? You know what? Becky is a bitch.
Libra: no. Just no.
Scorpio: look up. See that bird? Yeah, I knew that was there.
Sagittarius: you used to be cooler.
Ophiuchus: wtf no you are not a real sign. You do not get a horoscope.