Gerald Proctor @AmazonFCGerald * July 15
I’m happy working for Amazon. Honest work for honest pay; you could carve that on my grave.

Gerald Proctor @AmazonFCGerald * July 17
Unions are for red-faced men with coal dust in their pores.
I love it here at Amazon.

Gerald Proctor @AmazonFCGerald * July 21
They handed out piss bags today, just slide in the catheter and bam. No more long treks to the loo. It sounds strange, but you don’t understand. It’s far to the john, two halls and a stairway, and there’s spiders in there. Spiders in the dark. This is fine. This is better. #amazon

Gerald Proctor @AmazonFCGerald * July 24
I got lost in the warehouse today. Yesterday. Did I lose a day? I napped in an AmazonBasics Outdoor Zero Gravity Lounge Folding Chair (Beige), which I found near that weird indoor manhole. It was comfortable. Like a hammock. Maybe I’ll get one for home.

Gerald Proctor @AmazonFCGerald * July 27
The best thing about working for Amazon, any aches and pains you pick up on the job, they’ve got your answer right there. Where would I be without my Conair Active Life Waterfall Foot Spa with Lights and Bubbles (Blue), my Pure Enrichment PureRelief XL King Size Heating Pad (Charcoal Grey), my ZenToes Soft Foam Callus Cushions 48 Waterproof Pads Toe and Foot Protectors?

Gerald Proctor @AmazonFCGerald * July 31
They took the chairs from the break room today. But trust me, after eight zillion piss bag leaks, that was a GOOD thing!

Gerald Proctor @AmazonFCGerald * August 2
What’s a “weekend”?

Gerald Proctor @AmazonFCGerald * August 5
You don’t work here. You don’t know. You don’t understand the beauty of city blocks of merchandise stacked to the sky. It’s like Christmas presents, great towering piles of them, billions of stocking-stuffers waiting their turn. Every day can be Christmas with Prime.

Gerald Proctor @AmazonFCGerald * August 9
I found a dead bee today, near the AmazonBasics Nylon Braided USB A to Lightning Compatible Cables. Is this where dead bees come? Am I in heaven?

Gerald Proctor @AmazonFCGerald * August 11
It’s true. Amazon pays for these tweets. But isn’t that the American dream, getting paid just for doing what you love?

Gerald Proctor @AmazonFCGerald * August 14
I wrote a song today. I wrote it for Amazon. It goes like this:
Эй, ухнем! Эй, ухнем! Ещё разик, ещё да раз! Эй, ухнем!
I think someone might’ve written it before.

Gerald Proctor @AmazonFCGerald * August 18
Last night, I dreamt of work. It was employee appreciation day, and they let me take home one of everything.
I’d settle for one of anything.

Gerald Proctor @AmazonFCGerald * August 19
I’m so happy working for Amazon.
Things aren’t great at home, so the long hours are really a boon.
I’m so happy working for Amazon.

2 thoughts on “@AmazonFCGerald

    1. I know, right? It’s hard to do satire when the real thing is THAT disturbing.

      By the way, sorry it took me ages to approve your comment. For some reason, it went in the spam box, and I only noticed it today.


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