Pope Not-So-Innocent

Last night, I dreamt I was the Pope, forcing myself on some priest. I woke up shouting “Stop!”, though I was the aggressor. When I went back to sleep, I was still the Pope, stuffing a sack of bloodied vestments down the incinerator.

Is there an entry for that in the dream book? Y’know, like if you dream about cabbages, it means you’ll soon be brain-dead? Let me see: pope, rape…ah, I don’t want to know.

Speaking of creepy shit, my computer’s taken to putting words in my mouth. Not all the time, but certain apps, Skype, Gmail—they’ve been offering suggestions. Take today: I got a message, feeling better?, and Skype thought I might like to say “Great, thanks” or “Much better” or “Absolutely.” It didn’t offer any negative responses. Gmail thought I should promise my boss a 60,000-word novel by Monday, and that my mother might like to know I’d read her message and would get back to her shortly.

Skype’s comebacks are more imaginative than Gmail’s, but less relevant. It thought “Spoilers!” was an appropriate response to a picture of a train station in Jerusalem, and got confounded by a graffito of Judith beheading Holofernes. Its suggestions for that one were “Correct!”, “Cue”, or “Of”. It got a little passive-aggressive when the conversation turned to its behaviour:

You know what’s silly? Skype’s started offering autoreplies. To your last message, I could’ve said “fair enough,” “precisely,” or “haha true.”

Really? I don’t get that, just horrible emoticons. It’s like, they used to be good back in the 90’s, but then something happened and they became increasingly creepy. Like the smiling one STARES at you, and BLINKS, and lazily widens its smile…. Creepy.

I don’t get the option every time. Just for certain messages. Like, this time, it isn’t offering any. But when you asked if I was feeling better, it offered me three ways to say “yes.”

Well, at least it tried to be optimistic…. It’s still oppressive though, isn’t it, forced optimism?

I suppose/Precisely/Yeah I guess.
This time, I’m at least getting lukewarm options.

Yeah. Very passive-aggressive.

You know what would be depressing? If I let my computer do all my correspondence and no-one knew the difference. Only, they would, because Speep’s optimistic. Speep, that’s my computer’s name, and Speep loves his exclamation points. He says things like “Amazing!” and “I can’t wait to get started!” He gushes and brownnoses. He never says no.

Maybe I say no too much.

If I lived in a romcom, this is where I’d resolve to let Speep be my voice for a week, and he’d turn my life upside-down. Someone would Skype me a dick pic, and Speep would go “Magnificent!!!!!!”, and he’d set up a dick date. I’d go, but on the way, I’d run into some hot chick, and we’d…oh, what’s the use? Life’s not a romcom. Speep, zip your lip.

I still feel all creepy from my dream.

Why did I dream that?

Boop the snoot.

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