Tinder for Monsters

Today, I realised I’ll watch pretty much anything, if the music’s good.

The Talented Mr. Ripley? Yep. Saw that.

Six seasons of nip/tuck? Saw those too.

True Blood, for the theme song alone, though vampires make me gag? I saw it, but blood—thick, warm blood, clotting as you drank, little blobs round the wound and gurgling down your throat..might as well suck a tampon. Jesus faugh.

I’ve given it some thought, you know, kissing the undead, what with paranormal romance being so popular. It’s all over the place, Twilight, The Vampire Diaries, that new Dracula being made. I’ll probably have to write one some day, and I’ll need to know these things. To that end, I’ve made a list of the undead and undead-adjacent, ranked by sex appeal:

BANGING THE DECEASED – MY NECROSEX LIST, BY SOCAR MYLES

Zombies
Unfuckable. I mean, where to begin? They’re putrid. They’re vicious. They’re falling apart. Doinking a zombie would be like doinking a corpse, only you’d have to restrain it, stuff its mouth full of cloth. You’d be raping a corpse, and that’s all kinds of wrong.

Vampires
Well, they’re hotter than zombies, but those teeth are kinda jacked. And then, kissing one…it’s just, I used to know this guy who loved fried onions. He’d eat them, and a week later, they’d still be on his breath. Even if you couldn’t smell a vampire’s last meal, there could still be blood remnants. Blood particles. They could get in your mouth…fuck that noise.

Not only that, but vampires would make excellent vectors for bloodborne disease. Plus, with no circulation, could they even get it up? And wouldn’t they have, like, permanent livor mortis, feet and hands all black and swollen, and mottling down their backs?

I don’t know. I’d have to be pretty hard up, but I might fuck a vampire, or let it fuck me. No oral, though. There are limits.

Ghouls
Ghouls have one big advantage over vampires, in that they have a pulse. They eat the dead, but they’re not dead. I still wouldn’t kiss one, or get involved with its arse, but there’s more to sex than…bits that connect to the alimentary tract.

The other advantage with ghouls is that they’re proper immortals, truly ancient, born of Iblis in some long-forgotten age. With millennia of experience, they’d bring a lot to the table—so, yeah. I’d do a ghoul.

Liches and Animated Skeletons
I’d have to say no to these. I mean, yeah, it’s called boning, but actual bones? Come on. Plus, they’d be cold, which also goes for vampires and zombies. You’d lose that post-coital warmth. You need something with body heat, something that doesn’t make you shiver when it takes you in its arms.

Godfather Death
The personification of Death shares one advantage with ghouls: he’s been around forever. But he’s often depicted as a skeleton, which makes him less appealing. Then again, I’ve also seen him dressed as a hot chick, which, yeah. I’d hit that.

Death is a maybe, contingent on his skin suit and personal habits.

Ghosts, Wraiths, and Spectres
It might be nice to romance one, knowing it’d never expect anything beyond affection. But it could never give anything beyond that, and sometimes you want to be held. Or you need someone to pass the salt. I wouldn’t say no to a ghost, if it took an interest, but I’d try for an open relationship.

Banshees
I mean…could you die from their sex noises? I don’t want to find out.

And there you have it: my grave-robbing shag list. Wasn’t that sweet?